dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
