I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
