I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
