Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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