I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
