I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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