I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
