can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
