Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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