He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
