Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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