My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
