I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
