now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
