Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
