I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
