I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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