i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
