"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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