he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
