Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
