Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize