you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
