Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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