I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
