I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
