my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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