1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize