I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
