What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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