I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
