i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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