Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think i peed on brittanys purse
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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