at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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