I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
