Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
