she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
