I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
