Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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