Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
