god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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