Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
