Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
