Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
