i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
