He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
