We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize