Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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