This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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