The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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