The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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