I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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