When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
