I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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