I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
