dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
