Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You ruined the universe
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
