I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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