I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
