New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Michael Bay diarrhea
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
