this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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