I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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